Saturday, August 16, 2008

Back and ready to go

We got back from a week long vacation in Cabo San Lucas with Mr. Squirrel's side of the family. It was nice. Only problem was that Mr. Squirrel had a collision with granddaughter number 2 and severely injured his left knee. He feels he'll need surgery but I hope all he needs is a long recuperation.

Even though both sides of our families are very religious, this time I was at ease and had fun. There was no hidden feeling of a shark attack waiting to happen. One of the huge glaring differences is my family is Southern Baptist and Mr. Squirrel's family is Episcopal. In other words, one is conservative and the other is more liberal and tolerant.

Yes, I was much more relaxed on this vacation.

If you ever find yourself in Cabo San Lucas I must recommend seeing the dolphins at Cabo Dolphins. All six of us got to swim and play with Jennie, one of the dolphins at the center, for over 30 minutes. It was the most wonderful experience ever and one that our granddaughters will never forget. It was one of those experiences that will forever bring a tear of happiness to my eyes.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Am I angry?

I went back and read some of my most recent posts and it seems that I'm angry about something. Not that anyone has pointed that out to me or anything but I do recognize that I am angry and frustrated and have been for a long time.

The anger comes from being constantly misunderstood.

I need to clarify something here. I'm not a lonely, depressed, fearful person. I'm cheerful, positive, and friendly. In the various different social groups I participate in I'm well liked and popular. The anger isn't something I feel all the time. It just seems to rear it's ugly head when the subject of my immediate family comes up or I have to deal with them on an intimate level.

Back to the subject of being misunderstood. It's frustrating trying to get close to a person when they immediately throw up barriers based on a preconceived idea of who you are, whether it is true or not. When it comes to family, they seem to be more judgmental about my atheism than my friends and acquiescences. But are they being judgmental about my lack of belief or it is something else?

My immediate family has always shown some sort of contempt for me, even in my late teens when I left home. Because of this fact I figured it can't be my atheism that is the cause of this estrangement because I've only been a self described atheist for about four years. On the other hand, a relative told me four years ago that she's always known I was an atheist, so perhaps it's something that is intrinsic about me that I've only recently discovered through education.

So it seems that this behavior towards me is a result of my non-acceptance of Christianity. Honestly, it may seem to be the case, but I think it's more than that and my frustration and anger is a response to not knowing why I'm treated this way by my immediate family.

OK, now to get past the anger and to let go.

This may come as a surprise, but I've actually let go of a lot of "stuff" that drove my anger. My SO has noticed I don't talk about the craziness of my family as often as I used to. In fact, it's been close to zero. Unfortunately I've also made some mistakes along the way. Like going to Kansas and subjecting myself to seven days of torture at the willing hands of my unforgiving family.

Yeah, I'm angry at myself for allowing that bullshit to happen. In my defense I did want to give myself and my family another chance, knowing full well that the percentage for success would be quite low. And yes, a week was too long. I could've figured this out in less than two days.

The anger will subside and be replaced with apathy. I've already stopped reading most of my extended families email and I find I am much more at peace with myself.